11/24/22
Kyle and I are official. We kept it ambiguous to have more time to get to know each other but it just felt right after 2+ months of unofficially dating. Previously I thought milestones were somewhat arbitrary and dumb but I might have simply been too emotionally immature to understand or grasp what that would entail. It pretty much happened the standard way people describe: telling each other we’re not seeing anyone else, deleting dating apps and profiles, talking about past relationships and what we’ve learned and mistakes made, and what we’re looking for now and into the future.
While he did mention he doesn’t believe in marriage due to his parents having been thrice divorced I said I’d seriously consider it if we dated for years and things went well. The tax and legal incentives are worth it. Plus if we end up with giraffe money having a couple of kids might be cool. Just pawn them off to my Chinese relatives over summers, possibly abroad for months at a time, plus the immediate family likes to help as is cultural tradition. Plus they’d prob be hot AF being half Chinese-White. I’d mold them into polyglots who speak fluent Mandarin, English, and whatever else they’d like to learn. Hah! Then tiger-dad the shit out of them so they’d be able to bankroll my retirement. But also encourage them to do drugs, have fun responsible relationships, and be humble and worldly. I basically raised my sister, trained my dogs, and taught students so I know I can be a good parent who dishes out life-changing punishments if required. I’m pretty chill for the most part though and tolerate a wide range of behaviors as long as they’re not hurting anyone.
How I dated when I was younger boggles my mind as we’ve had more discussions about the relationship than my previous exes combined within the first two months. I feel he understands where I’m coming from and feel utterly at ease being myself which has in turn reduced my reliance on substances to distract. Like, what? Kyle also had a crazy life—drugs, sucking straight friend dicks, women, abusive relationships, etc—and our comparisons make me realize my childhood and young-adult life experiences are incredibly unique if not trauma-inducing. Probably why I was a lot to handle for most of my exes.
We see each other almost on a daily basis since he works nearby and I’m on the way home. It’s sorta neat to get to know each other without the pleasantries of keeping up a façade of dating. He enjoys film, TV, and console gaming while I tend to like tech, PC gaming, and random adventures domestically or abroad. It’s a good Venn diagram overlap of qualities and interests. I tend to think American dating presents an unrealistic appearance to both parties that isn’t revealed until something requires more commitment and sacrifice. The day-to-day is what one can expect from a long-term perspective. e.g. Marriage, finances, lifestyles, etc. Chinese people often meet through friends and family from shared outings and experiences.
I’m noticing the quirks between us and communicating accordingly. Which is more realistic than not speaking up when there are disagreements. Neither of us can be 100% pleasant all the time and conflict is inevitable. He mentioned he was diagnosed with bipolar but isn’t medicated and hasn’t had an episode in a decade. I’ve worked in mental health and can handle it but also researched that a minority of diagnosed patients only have one episode. I’m absolutely okay with mental health issues because I’ve probably been through a depressive episode in my teens and have some Machiavellian tendencies that seem to have subsided when my life isn’t treading water in a Level 4 hurricane due to dysfunctional surroundings. As long as they’re doing something about it is my only requirement.
We have talked about more significant relationship issues that will most likely greet us as we proceed. It’s somewhat hilarious the things he brings up versus myself. “You’d never find a used condom that was evidence I cheated ‘cause I wouldn’t use a condom.” XD He didn’t think that was as funny as I did but we were watching White Lotus where that scenario happened. Her husband didn’t cheat but she found his roommate’s condom wrapper and assumed the worst then decided not to confront him. But her behavior and emotions belied her concerns. We both agreed we’d confront each other and ask “WTF is this you stupid slut?!” Personally, if I had evidence it did occur I’d probably act normally while preparing to leave. Then simply vanish from their life without a trace and never interact with them again. That is the ultimate revenge for a betrayal that profound. You literally never existed for that person and hopefully, it would make an impact where they never did the same to another partner.
Jokes aside, I notice the larger contrast between this relationship and my previous ones. I did not speak up when I disagreed or communicate my wants or needs in the past. Partly because I didn’t even know my wants or needs because I think I subconsciously expected my partner to fulfill certain roles. I was too accommodating toward people which is often a sign of neglect in childhood. My past partners or friends knew little about me or asked pertinent questions. The Asian model minority stereotype is a real phenomenon my therapist and I have discussed. I have a hard time talking about myself or what I’m doing since I lacked the norm of parents who paid much attention. I tend to put people I care about above me in the priorities list to my own detriment. Even today I struggle with unshackling the unspoken expectations of a healthcare career or making massive amounts of money. Drinking was a way to broach those subjects but it often devolved into a shitshow. I needed someone to be supportive and accepting to process those feelings in a healthy way. I couldn’t have done this without the insight therapy provided, supportive and understanding friends and family, and even the occasional hive-mind advice from Reddit. Plus being fully transparent filters out people who will be there for you versus those who tend to shy away from unpleasantries.
Kyle has given me good advice and supportive words, especially since he’s been through some of the same issues I’ve yet to resolve. I’d like to think I balance him out emotionally and life isn’t as Sisyphean as it might seem to him on the day-to-day. He works incredibly hard and often 12-hour shifts which I highly admire. His worth ethic is unquestionable. It’s interesting to note when he’s in a bad mood due to managing people and I don’t automatically blame myself and take on the burden of trying to cheer him up. I’ve also been in the reverse position where he tolerated my antics.
He told me I told him to “get out” one night after drinking. Because I wanted to play WoW and was drunk. (-_-*) I reassured him he can always talk to me sober to figure out what I was thinking if I say or do things that are hurtful while drinking. This obviously makes me want to improve in those regards because I am not thinking of how my behavior is making him feel when acting that way. His tolerance and communication are pivotal for me to comprehend and process these things. I’m swayed by logic and when the facts are presented in a calm manner I can and will accept responsibility.
This relationship makes being single for six years worth it. I learned how to decipher compatible partners from people I’ve encountered during that time. Feeling anxious and working to get their approval is a sign they’re emotionally unavailable, not that interested, or being manipulative. Karma is a bitch and I fell for a rather charming school principal a few years ago. He had his own shit coming out of an 11-year relationship which I understood but I still became incredibly infatuated. It was about time I got a taste of my own behaviors I’ve used on people in the past.
“Parents love me” is what he told me and I can see why. He ended up probably getting back together with his ex, becoming Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) which is think is a super pretentious way of saying one of you didn’t fuck around enough while single before you got together, quit his job to travel for 9 months in South-America and then settled part-time in Mexico. Mid-life crisis? God damn, he was attractive though and wanted me to fuck him. Tall bearded reformed skater boi who looked five years younger than 38. I totally dig the guys who you can’t guess are gay and secretly want to get fucked by me. Hawt. Did I mention he was smart too? That wasn’t even a bonified relationship but I was still swooning and took almost a year to recover. I don’t fall often but when I do I fall unequivocally flat on my face at times.
A good partner won’t leave you guessing their fickle and capricious interest level. I also learned I’m a fuckin’ good catch even if I have some issues and cultural differences. I try not to flaunt these aspects but I suppose dates get curious after seeing my car. I want to provide for my partner and build something but I also require they have their own life that brings novelty and keeps the relationship growing. It’s a journey together but not as co-dependent testicle buddies.
I’ve decided to slow my drinking, basically quit to lose weight and prove I don’t “have” to drink alcohol. Kyle is a good role model and find myself chuckling out loud at some of the stuff he says. “If you’re quitting substances be good to yourself, enjoy a couple of weeks doing whatever you want and start building new routines.” It’s easy to be in this relationship and I think that’s a good sign. Although it does spotlight things I learned and didn’t do in the past. I’m glad I took a lot of time between my relationships to process and learn what not to do. I can’t imagine going from relationship to relationship expecting the next one to work out without learning the most I can out of why previous ones failed. Looking at the people I know who jump from relationship to relationship, never taking time alone to process WTF they’re doing.
Seek out relationships that don’t revolve around sex to fulfill some of the roles a partner provides. Moreover, enjoy your own solitude and interests. I can practically entertain myself without talking to people for weeks at a time. I suppose online gaming means I’m not totally alone as I’ve met a few friends online where we talked about shit going on. There’s something cathartic about venting to an internet stranger you bond with.
Repeating the same mistakes is called stupidity. Throwing shit at a wall until it sticks seems like how most people date. Maybe smell your shit and figure out why it doesn’t stick before another toss. Previously I’d always end up imagining how I’d tolerate this person 10-15 years down the line, will they be there for any unexpected events like I would be for them, will they encourage and model healthy behaviors for continued improvement? This relationship quells those thoughts. I can’t help but think I thought I’d end up with Kyle but I didn’t realize it would mean a different one. My first relationship hurt and scarred me deeply but it was one of my most profound emotional memories. I sacrificed a lot of my own well-being hoping to keep it afloat. Letting that gave me the ability to let go of other relationships that were barely held together by nostalgia.
The first Kyle required a lot of growing up to do and kept a lot of secrets that I didn’t realize. For god sake, I accompanied him when his parents took him clothes shopping and his mom made dentist appointments for him. I’ve been doing that shit since by myself since I was 16 and now make appointments for my parents. In retrospect, I was burdened with unspoken adult expectations to support the family and raise a younger sibling.
I was there when first Kyle would have angry tantrums over a Thinkpad he bought that he didn't like, dropping shrimp on the carpet and storming into his bedroom to sit in the dark under the blankets, literally being so depressed that he was simply angry and irritable almost constantly. I tried my best to encourage him to get help but as the idiom goes you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. That relationship shaped how I viewed dating and even contributed to me essentially accepting being celibate for the foreseeable future as I didn’t emotionally connect so profoundly with anyone else until recently. I felt lost without a partner that distracted from my own issues and should have taken better care of myself. It was co-dependent, toxic, and dysfunctional but those relationships are rather addictive as the drama was exciting and the highs and lows seemed to be worth it.
I can't believe how I thought if I helped Kyle get to a better place he'd eventually appreciate me for all the work I did. Nope, it only made him take me for granted and I felt a lot of resentment and bitterness by the end. There were times I wanted to go smash his car windows or hurt him back in the most profound emotional ways in tit-for-tat retaliatory behavior. Because how could someone act in such hurtful ways without any inclination of how it made their partner feel? Why was he allowed to treat me in manners that he couldn't tolerate? I thought that was the most ridiculous double-standard privilege he was afforded.
That person you think of when you’re at your lowest was the most impressionable. Notice I didn’t say most compatible but is often the one people think of as the one who got away. Don’t settle for anything less. Meeting someone better will allow their memory to slowly fade into the past. I often used it as a fond memory when I felt alone during the last six years; when I shared a profound part of my life with someone I cared about. But I’d rather be single than in an unfulfilling relationship because you’re wasting each other’s time and off the market for someone potentially life-changing.
But also don’t get caught up in the illusion of choice because it’s incredibly rare to find someone that clicks with you AND wants to be with you long-term. That’s how you end up being an old gay without a partner and surrounded by a gaggle of gay men in your mid-40s whose only life fulfillment comes from the next cock. Even sails get laid bruh. It’s the most primitive of biological drives. Just jerk off to some hot guys who post their nudies on Reddit. It became apparent first Kyle lacked many of the experiences I had prior to meeting him or was able to articulate his rationale in a manner I understood.
The handful of good casual encounters doesn’t make up for the pile of shitty regrets you’ll have later. Sex is still sacred, especially bottoming or doing something you’re not used to to please your partner. That is sacrifice right there and why I think gays who say they’re exclusively top or bottom are simply selfish and immature. Do you think girls enjoy anal sex or do you think they do it for their partners? There is something incredibly hot about doing something one doesn’t necessarily enjoy for the pleasure of someone you care about. You eventually get into it. My friend Yood in Thailand told me before I ever bottomed that it gets easier the more often you do it. Most people don’t automatically enjoy shoving things in the opposite way.
I told Kyle I think I’m falling in love with him because I have no comparisons to how relaxed I feel looking forward to how things progress. Even if it doesn’t last a lifetime I know this relationship will be a model of how to be in a stable and loving relationship while being able to differentiate between my issues, their issues, and relationship issues. It’s bittersweet because it also is tangible evidence I’m getting old. Effff. It also became obvious I had a dysfunctional upbringing when normal stable relationships after felt boring and lackluster because I was used to a level of dysfunction. That was one of the biggest mindfucks epiphanies I’ve had in my adult life.
I hope life has taught first Kyle a few hard lessons for me to be more empathetic to some of the fucked up experiences I felt I endured dating him. I hope he’s able to apologize and recognize his shitty behaviors and has more emotional range than simply being a depressed irritable asshat most of the time. He was exhausting to be with and I assume it isn't any easier for someone who isn't as tolerant or accommodating as I was based on how his platonic and professional relationships abruptly ended that I personally witnessed.
First Kyle induced anxiety when he reached out for attention or validation and I had PTSD thinking he’d off himself or go shoot a bunch of randos for years. It isn’t normal to be filled with anxiety reconnecting with an old friend or lover. Moreover, he didn't respond with consideration when I reached out but expected it from my end since I recall him relaying to me his dad had a heart attack. I was worried and asked his mom if I could be of any help. The negging statements that reflected his state of mind and/or having to put me down so I don't seem as intimidating. I wonder if he is becoming an emotionally well-adjusted adult or a cunty insecure brat who still seeks external validation while hiding behind a facade of normalcy while masking deep aspects of his personality and not communicating much of it to his partner. I sometimes pitied him to justify his most inconsiderate behaviors but also realized those were essentially panic and anxiety issues. After all anxiety and depression often afflict many on the spectrum.
I don’t know when but eventually I’m sure you’ll read this Kyle. It’s for both of you. A sense of closure for one and a testament to how I feel about this new relationship at the beginning. I’m still rooting for you Kyle. Maybe one day we can be friends and you can admit I left a similar impression on you. But then again having expectations for people who can’t meet them is just an endeavor in disappointment.
You reap what you sow. And if that Tinder profile in the black face mask, hat, and sunglasses was you as I suspect you're just becoming another one of those marginalized, balding, white males angry that society doesn't treat you better. And fail to realize it's your own shitty behaviors that contribute to it. Man up, take some responsibility, and get some help instead of hiding behind some veiled threat of violence as a reflection of your fragile ego and how aggrieved by society you feel. Because that is the ultimate victim mentality you've accused me of having. But I've seen and been through much harder shit and tolerated unacceptable behaviors for longer than I should have.
I will say I will not tolerate anyone mistreating anyone like you. I was your biggest advocate for some time. If I witness it I will make a major point to remedy the issue and make amends. No one deserves to be discriminated against. I will stand up for what I believe in and the positives from our past relationship. No one deserves to be bullied and if I ever witness such I still come down with Chinese stilettos on that. I bullied one particular individual in middle with a couple of asshats to prevent them from picking on me. I sympathize with him and have regretted it since that realization. If it’s any consolation I found one of the bullies, Martin, and sent him a taunting message the likes of “Remember bullying Gordie? I’m glad your life looks like trailer trash ‘cause you deserve it.” Of course, I understand he probably had his own family issues too but meh.
I still feel bad about Gordy these days and hope things worked out for him. I hope he’s super successful and was able to help his mom out. Or at the very least content with his life.
