10/10/22 Feeling giddy

It's been about three years since I felt infatuated with someone. Ultimately the last guy wasn't looking for anything serious but it made me realize it's a requirement for me to feel strongly before I'd invest more time getting to know them. I know, I know, lots of advice says to give people a few chances but I've never developed feelings for someone I didn't initially like or felt attracted to. Also, first or second dates are usually gauging how we interact. Plus I was sorta bummed having to seemingly be the one who initiates anything. Usually, they only instigate if they’re older and sometimes I appreciate being pursued. Although I do recognize I’ve let things teeter off without providing additional interest, especially if the first two meetings don’t evoke reciprocity on my end.

I've been talking to someone I connected briefly with months earlier. That conservation fizzled but I sent a new message a few weeks ago. Ever since we've been slowly getting to know each other and have even talked on the phone a few times. I haven't called a romantic interest for years. I do occasionally call friends to catch up but that occurs a few times a year. I prefer texting and sometimes disappear for weeks at a time. Maybe it’s the ADHD out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing.

There's something I can't quite put my finger on but it's clear when swapping anecdotes and laughing uncontrollably about making out with women or squeezing their tits as gay men. I find his self-disclosures hilarious AF, like his babysitters forcing him to suck their tits when he was twelve or being a man-slut, with women nonetheless, even though he knew he was gay when he was younger. Like, LOL WTF. I’ve never been sexually attracted to women but have been curious, but not enough to do anything even when a situation presented itself. I mean, he's hot so I can see why he'd have options. But I also pointed out it was rather predatory if the situation was reversed; an older male babysitter becoming physical with a younger female they supervised. But it didn’t seem like it was traumatic for him, so meh.

He's a few years younger and possesses a certain snarkiness that I find amusing. Plus his proliferous use of profanities which I do as well. At some point, he admitted having a thing for Asians which I find concerning since being exoticized tends to not work well with me. Later I drank too much and said some nonsensical things, but he checked in with me the next day and we cleared it up. He seemed worried I was blocking him or ghosting. Awww. I actually want to do better with him and it’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt motivated to change my negative habits.

He gets rather quiet when I make a flirty sexual joke and even asked me a day or so in if I was just looking to hook up. “Nah I got over that stuff more than a decade ago. Hookups are usually weird and awkward, especially the ones you wake up after and wonder where you are and need to GTFO when they ask if they can see you again.” 🤣 I appreciate his candidness and straightforwardness.

I've always gotten a premonition before a relationship starts. Maybe it's the mutual attraction or emotional investment. It feels good and I'm not consumed with anxiety if he takes longer to reply. Experience comes with age and it’s interesting to contrast this with previous crushes. I do find myself thinking of him more and it's cute when he escalates by showing me a bit more of his personality and interests. “Can I send you memes?” There's no rush so I'm enjoying the initial infatuation. But I have mentioned wanting to eat his face and chafe my lips on his beard stubble. He said he'd like that and squeezing my tits. 😂

I made out with a girl back in my early 20s while she fondled my balls and let me rub her tits at a bar because she wanted me to prove I was gay and wouldn’t get hard. Then she demanded we go to a gay bar across the street and commanded the first guy at the counter and I to make out, to which he replied “honey that’s not how it works.”

His name is Kyle, which I said is also my brother-in-law's name as well as my first official love. We chuckled and he remarked it was a generic white guy's name. I quipped my other exs are named Justin and David which are equally generic. David was also named Justin but preferred going by his middle name. I'm sensing some type of subconscious bias for familiarity. I'd argue all their personalities are very different but the last few people I've developed intense crushes on all have facial hair. 🤦‍♂️ The real test is if they shave and I still find them attractive. There are guys who I’m smitten with who have stubble or a beard that lose about 50% of their appeal when they shave and I’m shocked I then found them repulsive. Yeah, so that’s a thing and my sister has remarked I have a thing for hobos or dirty construction guys.

I could be jumping the gun. I visited a few guys I talked to when I first came out almost twenty years ago and it was not at all how I imagined things. Keep those expectations in check! Anyway, I’m going to enjoy this slow burn and see how it goes. If anything it’s a healthy dynamic I should explore further instead of declaring exclusivity two weeks in or pursuing them hardcore. The old adage it finds you when you least expect it could apply here. I’m pleasantly surprised.

Edit: 10/20/22 We met for lunch and he was rather quiet but blushing the entire time. He proactively paid for everything even though he didn't eat much of what he got, I'm assuming out of nervousness.

Then I proceeded to show him my car tent at the nearby reservoir and we made out like teenagers for three hours while…exploring.

We spent the day together today after he submitted a passport application. I asked to keep a copy of one of his photos as a momento. Plus he's nice to stare at and I sorta want to take him to parties to show off. 🤣 It's like talking to an old friend who vibes with you. He elicits all these crazy anecdotes I never shared with my exs. In fact, it's strange I've told him more about my life up to this point than anyone I've ever dated. Probably a good sign all the personal work has paid off being more emotionally available and present.