2/25/23 Razer, balloons, and meds

It’s been a few months since my last update and in the interest of maintaining this website more than I have in the past here are my thoughts about recent events.

I somehow finagled a Razer 16” Nvidia GTX 4090 laptop for free. It was a mistake on Razer’s part that I didn’t feel compelled to inform them of after the fact. Upon seeing the recent benchmarks and impressive reviews for their newest laptops released this month, I impulsively placed an order the first day they went on pre-order. A few days later after some reconsideration, I realized I could get a new desktop RTX 4090 for <1/2 the price and with 30-40% more performance. And considering I don’t particularly use my laptop much these days it seemed like a gigantic mistake forking over $4600 dollars for a second laptop to play games on.

I got on Razer’s website and looked around how to cancel the order. The FAQs stated that they were unable to cancel orders and the only option was to reject delivery or start an RMA once you received the laptop. However, the caveat was if it was not in stock one could contact customer support to intervene. Considering the laptop was a pre-order I immediately submitted a request to cancel said order.

I received the standard reply the order couldn’t be canceled. However, I didn’t agree with the agent’s reply since the laptop was not even released yet and replied that “It was a pre-order and your website states items not in stock can still be canceled. Moreover the shipping date was Feb 23, 2023". The date was more than three weeks away at the time. It irked me and I stated it felt like some type of weird shenanigan to try to get the customer to accept the goods in hopes that they would reconsider and not go through the hassle of returning the laptop. To my surprise the next day a different representative replied and stated the order was canceled and to expect a refund on the payment method within 5-8 business days. I eagerly checked my accounts to make sure the refund was processed, and it was days later.

Around the same time I ordered a real baby doll—long story—from a Chinese manufacturer based in Shenzhen, China to play practical jokes with. I received a FedEx notice a package was coming out of Hong Kong and assumed it was the fake baby I bought without giving it more thought. Around a week later I missed a package delivery and FedEx left a slip on my door that asked for my signature to release the package on their next attempt. Odd to ask for a signature for a cheap silicone infant doll. It immediately occurred to me it could be the laptop I ordered. I flew to my keyboard to look up the details of the delivery; 11 lbs, from Hong Kong, signature required, from Razer. OMG did they fail to cancel my order and mailed out the laptop?

I doubled and triple-checked the status of the order on Razer’s website as well as my payment account. Both displayed canceled and refunded. But the laptop was still in transit. It arrived the next day so now I have the fastest laptop released in history. I wondered if there was any way Razer would retroactively charge me but I decided I’d just return the laptop if that occurred. It’s been about a week and a half since without any communication from them. I wanted to gloat about it on their subreddit but decided not to draw attention to myself and keep quiet. Google searches indicated a couple of other examples of people receiving gear for free under similar circumstances. It’s quite shocking a company their size cannot coordinate their sales and shipping departments in order to avoid situations like these. But I suppose the customer service request occurred at a fortuitous moment. I’m considering selling it on eBay but I’ll probably keep it in case they get in contact with me. Chinese people live for shit like this. A weird random loophole that you benefit from? Yes, please.

Switching topics, the recent Chinese spy-balloon headlines are rather cringy to me. As a Chinese-American, it’s obvious to me the US is perpetuating a China vs US rivalry. First off both countries have satellites capable of reconnaissance. Secondly, both countries most likely have large espionage networks in each other’s countries that would be more helpful than a weather balloon. In spite of a NYTs article that indicated China dismantled a large network of US agents a decade ago. Third, the US is doing similar if not more invasive surveillance of China if Snowden and Assange are reliable sources. Plus the crazy Iranian sabotage and assassinations that I’m sure the US helps Israel with. I mean, the US literally spies on its own European allies. The idiom pot calling the kettle black comes to mind or my rephrase “the retard calling someone an autist.” There is no doubt in my mind the US sends similar balloons to Asia as China asserts. China copies what the US does to point out the double-standard hypocrisy and basically trolls the US with similar tactics to show its burgeoning global influence.

Re: See US Hainan incident in 2001 and the interview the crew did after. The crew couldn’t outright say they were spying in Chinese airspace and caused the Chinese fighter jet pilot to crash to his demise. They carefully worded it to make it sound like the fighter pilot was at fault. But com’on, you’re in Chinese airspace and blaming China for confronting your spy plane? Give me a break. China released the crew within a couple of days and dismantled the plane before returning the parts to the US. If China or Russia were flying around Hawaii or Seattle heads would roll. And no doubt if they influenced Canada or Mexico to the extent the US did to Ukraine, the US would do as much or more than what Russia is currently doing in Ukraine. Because remember the Cuban missile crisis?

US media conveniently always paints the US as in the right. But Putin hasn’t forgotten about Afghanistan and Iraq. Independent watchdog groups calculate 200k civilian deaths directly or indirectly from those two occupations. John Bolton has advocated sanctioning and jailing ICC (International Criminal Court) judges and lawyers who want to investigate US war crimes and claimed no one has jurisdiction over the US. But the US conveniently calls out Russia for atrocities. It’s war and the allied powers did some horrific stuff to German civilians after they lost WWII. Plus I believe ISIS wouldn’t have filled the power vacuum created by the US-supported Arab Spring that plunged the Middle East into more of a shithole without authoritarian leaders. Democracy doesn’t work for all cultures and had another culture exploited minorities and colonies for hundreds of years things might be vastly different. This would make for a great international studies graduate thesis and most likely highly controversial.

Lastly since being diagnosed with ADD—I don’t have hyperactivity :)—and spending $80 a month for a Done treatment plan and $100 on Ritalin a month out-of-pocket I decided to take advantage of my health insurance. I took my therapist’s official diagnosis to my primary care and got an Rx through them. Now I pay $24 dollars a month for Ritalin and got rid of the $80 a month treatment plan with Done. I will admit the service is easy enough to try out but I would recommend everyone switch to their main insurance for long-term care for the cost savings. This would make sense why cocaine never had the same appeal to me as it seemed to with my friends in college. It is actually therapeutic for ADD and felt like a cup of coffee to me.

Concurrently during that check-up I inquired about treatment options for alcohol and smoking cessation. I’m getting older and recent afflictions have made me realize I should take better care of myself. I realized how bizarre it is I don’t afford the same level of consideration or care toward myself as I do toward other people. Put on your own oxygen mask before you help another as is said. Another sign of people pleasing and childhood neglect. It’s rather awkward to see the larger perspective on my behavior.

My care practitioner informed me they have a new addictions counseling program and I decided to participate. I’d meet with a counselor and addictions physician. I was prescribed Naltrexone for alcohol and Wellbutrin and nicotine gum for smoking cessation after a thorough interview. Wellbutrin is primarily used as an anti-depressant but has the positive side effect of reducing cravings for nicotine. My first day on Naltrexone made me nauseous AF and I tapered my way up by taking half the dosage for a couple of days and now I’m fine. You gotta give more time to medications to see their effects, which reminds me of first Kyle taking his anti-depressants and immediately becoming discouraged and put off by the side effects. I thought he was being a pussy but it was likely a combination spectrum aversion to discomfort/sensitivities, feeling emasculated due to libido side effects, and a general pessimism from black-and-white/all or nothing thinking associated with major depressive episodes. But ya know, life isn’t always peaches and cherries. It finally made sense why his friend Jeremy said he'd never be happy in a relationship because he didn't love himself and was a man-child. I think I'm allowed to say that since I've been through that process prior to meeting them.

The Wellbutrin has been working and I find myself eager to get shit done. I’ve cleaned and organized more than I have in the last decade in the last week. The trifecta of Ritalin, Wellbutrin, and Naltrexone are amazing. Long-term I don’t like taking any medications but short-term I don’t mind using them to form better habits. Ideally, I’ll have them available to take as needed in the future. I dislike the idea of long-term Rx use and feel similarly about recreational drugs. Butttt…that’s rather hypocritical considering I’ve been drinking and smoking on and off for the last fifteen years.

I can actually have a couple of drinks now and don’t feel the overwhelming urge to drink more. Is this how normal people without a genetic predisposition—because all my paternal uncles have/had drinking issues and addictions—toward alcohol abuse feel about drinking? I can actually appreciate the flavor of beer. I am not craving smoking cloves or cigarettes as much as when I tried to quit previously nor do I find myself combating the impulsive urge to justify buying a six-pack and cigs. I can chew a piece of gum to assuage any craving I do get and do something else to redirect myself. I tried to smoke a cig and felt nauseous like the first few times I tried smoking. I still remember laying down for 30 mins after my first real cigarette and being nauseous. Would you believe I started smoking to impress and hang out with a guy? Look where that got me. Hah

I organized TF out of my files on my computer and living space and realized how absolutely disorganized I was. It was SO DAUNTING to do these things previously that I now can spend hours on without feeling fed up. The meds have decreased my desire to game, jerk off, or scroll endlessly on my phone. I’m realizing those are addictive dopamine-driven coping behaviors to procrastinate because even the most mundane task seemed like climbing Mt. Everest previously. Things I put off for months that I accomplish in a couple of hours significantly highlight how ADD I am. The lack of academia removed most of the anxiety and motivation to do things, even last minute, like cramming for three or four days before a large test that I could usually ace. FYI apparently it’s called hyper-focus and people with ADHD can pay attention and do well in something as long as it keeps their absolute interest.

It’s pretty cool how I feel now. I notice my increased laughter with Kyle and decreased impulsivity. I do not notice any ill side effects aside from the initial nausea on Naltrexone. This is the best possible outcome when starting meds. I can wake up in the mornings and get sleepy in the evening when I used to sleep throughout the day and stay up all night gaming. It’s amazing an 8-hour session of WoW or Overwatch while drinking was perfectly acceptable but taking five minutes to brush my teeth or shower seemed bothersome. The medications have completely reversed how I feel about tasks and priorities. Executive function +15.

My abnormal psychology professor asked if the pandemic would cause any untoward issues for people with behavioral issues that I wrote a ln essay on. At the time I wrote most would probably say it would cause more problems but I argued it could allow some the tranquility and isolation needed for self-improvement. Ghosting all my previous friends and the pandemic have allowed me to concentrate on myself for the better. My familial dysfunction and childhood emotional neglect hindered my ability to form meaningful relationships with those people. Even to this day I can't think of memories that elicit any sort of strong positive or negative emotions. The other extreme was forming obsessive and compulsive attachments to a few romantic partners with the subconscious desire that a relationship would remedy those issues.

I didn’t love-bomb because I am a narcissist and manipulative; I love-bombed because I didn’t have any healthy relationships to model after and from an overwhelming sense of anxiety surrounding the uncertainty of relationships and unconscious approval-seeking. It's called a coping skill and if that was what I was taught worked then it was what I employed. Hence I got good at guilt tripping and using past experience to be more convincing. It’s cringe AF how I expressed my emotions in the past and how I tolerated shitty behaviors from friends because I thought they were infallible and it was all my fault. I can now see how both sides contributed.

I feel no compunction as I never emotionally connected with most of those people nor did they understand or contribute to my life in any meaningful ways for the same reason. I often said things that didn't match my behaviors if they were considered negative to the recipient. I couldn't be honest with people and tell them I thought they were, as they say in Francais, les retards. There was a gaping disconnect between how I felt and what I said at times that I didn't fully appreciate or understand.

Because when you grow up without anyone who acknowledges your emotions and when you're told they're inappropriate, you don't understand or appreciate them. Or even having adults say the exact opposite of what they mean. My parent's behaviors are a study in Psych 101; denial, repression, projection, etc. I sought out people who mirrored those skills and then wondered why I never formed deep emotional bonds with them.

Behaving poorly indicated I had frustrations I couldn't articulate and I'm much more mindful of my emotional states and how that contributes to my behaviors. Pretending to fit in and assimilating with American expectations are what Asians do best—social conformity—but fuck that shit. All it causes is repressed negative emotions, feeling guilty for having them, and secretly wishing bad things would happen to them in compensation.

Let’s see how things progress from here. I enjoy being the nice looking Chinese guy who gives you a death glare and hopes you get hit by a car if you deserve it. When you expected me to be rather pleasant, agreeable, or even timid. That is a mind-fuck for some people and it gives me great pleasure to see their internal stereotypes crumble in real time. The more fucked up thing is sometimes I know what you expect and will behave the opposite way just to piss you off because I like to challenge authority and test boundaries since the adults around me have failed me so many times nor disciplined me.