10/28/20 Feeling nostalgic for innocence

As we approach more than a year of quarantine I find myself thinking about past relationships. Whether that was with former friends or former lovers. It’s bittersweet to realize the people I now call my friends are not the same people who I once thought would still be with me in my thirties and beyond; my social circle has been completely replaced.

I think that is how it should go as we mature and develop into our true selves. One of my chemistry students who was my age and finishing her degree in chemical engineering revealed she had a wild past but that “people are meant to be in your life when you need them” is something I remind myself often. I regret how some of those relationships ended and wish I handled it more maturely so that both sides got more closure than how it actually proceeded. Taunting and being manipulative due to drinking catalyzed some of those endings rather quickly. I simply had a lot of difficulties articulating what was wrong, how I felt, or what changed.

I find myself looking up people who I no longer care about out of curiosity. But I don’t think I can handle actually discovering what the ones I still care about are doing. Sometimes during a drunken binge session, I may look up my exs but it only hurts and I’m glad I can hardly remember what my original intentions were.